In my dream, the prison where Saul is kept was at the cafeteria of the elementary school down the street from me. It was 11:20pm and somehow it was perfectly acceptable for me to sit in from of the cafeteria door, swing it open, and leave a gift for Saul on the bench inside his cell. It looked like a yellow box from a jewelry store, square about the size of my palm. I don't know what was inside of it.

I then went to my car that was parked in the loading/unloading zone of children in the morning and as much as I would have liked to have slept in my car in that spot (because I was falling asleep) I knew I'd obstruct traffic so I looked back to the parking lot and saw a beat up 90's Toyota so I thought yes, that will be a good place to park.

Suddenly I was in a big room with bright lights and a linoleum floor. It looked like a small kitchen or a classroom. We were being monitored by someone at a big desk with a clock above their heads and a green chalkboard behind them. We were surrounded by middle-folding cafeteria tables that stand tall when you're standing, even taller when you're sitting, which I was. Saul was sitting with me, too, leaned up against the wall and one of the tables, which wasn't a good idea cos the tables are on wheels and can be pushed or knocked over very easily. He was holding me with his left arm and I was laying on him. He asked me, "Can you feel this?" and I grazed my fingertips against his arm and I was alarmed because I could barely feel him, my hands were partially numb. I started almost crying and said, "I can't feel you", then he put my head on his chest and I held him, crying, knowing I couldn't sit like this with him but not caring at the same time.

After that, I was in a car, recalling the dream with Saul, knowing I wanted to write about it! My mother and I were at a hospital where there was some sort of exhibition or special day for that particular flood because there where children with clipboards walking around, smiling, directing some people. There where two large double doors and inside there were the same smiling children in the coma patient wing. We were allowed to see inside the rooms, there were people laying on beds on respirators and their rooms were very dark. Their bodies were barely lit by the light of the nurse's station in an unnatural matter, seeing how only half their bodies lying horizontally were being lit, as if the doorway was much shorter.

Mom and I walked around this exhibit and somehow we knew that there was a doctor who was famous, maybe from TV, there to diagnose people's illnesses. She was a tall, thin black woman with short hair in curls wearing a solid colour blouse with a black pencil skirt and black flats. Although we know we missed her panel, she was hanging out where the elevators were talking to someone. I asked her to examine the back on my heel and it looked awful, all white and thick. She said, "Oh, my...ask (didn't remember her name, it began with an S though), she had this before." And I knew she meant that she cured this girl. The girl was at the doorway to the double doors with a clipboard and wearing a dress. Mom and I approached her and started to say, "Dr. said you had this before, what can I do..." Just then a young boy called to her and she left through the now open double doors as if we weren't even there talking to her. I felt angry and hurt she just left us there.

We walked to the left of the double doors and into a hallway where at the end of it was a daycare center with children inside. The room had lots of natural sunlight coming through the windows and it had lots of toys in cubbyholes with a bright coloured oval rug with thick weave. We walked on through the entire back part of the offices only to turn out into the coma ward once again. Somehow I got my mom in a gurney, she had on a standard hospital gown and had her eyes closed. I thought she pretending to be asleep. She had a white sheet over her face. I pushed her down to the elevators and peeked under the sheets cos I abruptly stopped on purpose to see if my mom would wake up. She was passed out cold, her face looked like she'd been sleeping for a long time already. I let her sleep and figured I put her in the gurney so she could have an excuse to sleep. She made little snoring sounds which was a change from her usual big snores cos of her sleep apnea. The elevator door opened and people were going to get in but the person inside made eye contact with me and let me push my mom into the narrow elevator.

I woke up then.

I suppose this came from the call I got from Saul yesterday about his warrants that may not show up until he's almost out therefore getting more time. I do wish he was closer to me, therefore the school prison. I read a story about how a teen lost her feeling in her hands and feet due to falling ill to the swine flu and shortly after fell so ill she was in intensive care and almost died. I'm sick with a virus, I do not know what. I was scared to feel Saul cos I knew I couldn't keep him or control myself to show him my sadness over not being able to keep him. Last night, I could hear my mother snore much louder than normal and I'm scared for her because she has severe sleep apnea times 2, I don't want anything to happen to her. I guess the kids came from the new kids in my class trying out new procedures and whatnot on me and the other students in class. I'm not sure where the daycare came from but I knew I was happy to see it.

(Forgot to mention on Thanksgiving night Saul's mom, Sharon, came by pretty late at night and dropped off a plate of food for us. It was weird cos she gave it to my dad and jammed right away, I thought it was weird and at the same time I was really delighted that she went out of her way to come do something nice for us! Earlier in the day Sharon had called me to tell that her mother wanted me to know she's thankful that I'm standing by Saul. She was in tears, I didn't know what to say. I'm very glad I'm able to help Saul's family. Saul's Dad, Juan, called me, too, telling me thank you and all. I've been blessed with great in-laws <3)

( More Friends/Family Goodness )

I continue to pray, to stay as happy as I possibly can, and to think things through before I react as much as possible. School is great, I'm still getting good grades while helping out and I'm very excited to learn more procedures and about graduating soon. I'm glad my family supports me, friends who make me laugh and are there for me and I for them, and that I have such a wonderful man waiting for me. Things this year have been so so difficult and so hard but I know down the road these hardships and trials will have been to strengthen us for whatever is to come. I pray that all of our journeys, however they're traveled and wherever they lead, are protected and we get to wherever we need to go in the end. I love all of you and I will try to be better so I can help more people and be well in every way.

xoxo, Merci

I had a very jam-packed weekend for this Thanksgiving:

Thursday (Thanksgiving Day): The original plan was for my mom and I to cook our own small Thanksgiving dinner at home, then meet up with the rest of my family at my Uncle Meño's house. I especially wanted to be with my mom's side of the family because it was our first year without my grandfather.

Well, things didn't turn out that way. After we came back from church we tried to warm up the oven and, lo and behold, our oven was BROKEN and we didn't find out it was broken until right before we put the turkey in the oven!!! We called the gas company cos we could smell gas, the lady said our safety gauge was broken. Boo!!! My mom has an antique stove circa 1950s so we have to go to a special guy to fix it and, of course, he wasn't in town that weekend.

We called my uncle and asked if we could come earlier and he said we were more than welcome to. We made it down there in good time despite the traffic, I napped cos I was tired like usual cos of the virus that was wearing me down. I greeted all my family, I especially made sure my grandma was okay. My Auntie Ana came down again from San Fransisco for this occasion, I really enjoy her when she comes to visit! She gave me a pack of chocolate cigarrettes form a sweets shop in San Fransisco and a really pretty faux stone necklace she and her wife got from a yard sale with me in mind. I also got a shirt that said, "Inside of me there's a thin woman waiting to get out-I can usually shut the bitch up with some chocolate!"



Before we ate, we all gathered around the table and held hands for the blessing. We looked to Uncle Meño to say the blessing in my grandfather's absence, then turned it over to me to say the closing blessing. I didn't know what to say really but no matter what I'd said it didn't matter cos I was on the verge of tears. Anyhow, we had a good meal and a great time talking with everyone! We usually put on a movie for the kids after the dinner, this year it was the family classic, The Dark Knight! hehe, I like that movie and it sounded amazing in my uncle's surround sound! We left around the same time as my grandmother and we all made plans to see the headstone that was recently installed on my grandfather's grave. It was very important we all be there and I didn't want to miss it for anything.

Friday: The day after, while everyone was camping out at parking lots and beating people up for electronics, I slept! I went to my psychiatric 2nd opinion. This was the doctor my mom has been going to for maybe 10 years now so I trust him. He talked to me for a good hour and asked me many questions, about my past, about the presant, my currant stressors and whatnot. He told me he agreed with the bipolar II diagnosis but he explained exactly why in length and told me I have a lot of options from this point on. I wasn't happy with what he concluded but he did make me see the big picture behind what he said and that made all the difference in the world. He didn't just say, "You're bipolar. Goodbye" like the other doctor did, he let me ask questions and wanted my input. From now on I'm going to be seeing him for my psychiatric needs.

My dad and I made our way to my grandma's cos she graciously let us use her oven to cook our things before they spoiled. Grandma thought we were just going to cook dinner then leave, I told her we were going to have a Thanksgiving Part 2 at her house! My Auntie Ana was there and we talked and had fun. She told me, "Dance like Shakira!" and I did for fun...and she gave me $55!!! I was like, "What? Haha" and she told me to keep it even after I put it back in her hand. She has this way of looking at you like she'll hit you if you don't listen to her. (And yeah, she WILL hit you!) We had a really nice conversation outside while we waited for the neighborhood bunny to come to the yard.


I saw this in my grandmother's bathroom, LOLcats en Español! Ah, this is where I get it from!

My mom took it upon herself to pack EVERYTHING in our kitchen that we'd need for the dinner from every recipe we were going to cook, I kid you not, we brought all the ingredients in separate containers, even our own PLATES! We didn't want to make a mess of my grandmother's things. In the end, my mother met us after work and we (my parents, my aunt and grandmother) had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner Part 2! Everything came out wonderfully and I was very happy to do all of this for my family. <3

After I came back home, I went out again to meet up with my friends Tako, Keil, Cyrene and Cyrene's cosplay twinsie Tony who was visiting from Seattle. We hung out at Beer Station for a bit, then we went to Cue to take some pictures that came out so funny! After that we hung around Life Plaza. I got a call from a friend and I don't quite know what happened after that but I freaked out badly, had a really bad panic attack and left hysterical, I felt so awful for reacting that way in front of my friends but they were supportive, which I'm glad! While I was in my car crying from Life Plaza to my house, I realized, yeah, there is something wrong with me to freak out like that for nothing, really, and maybe there is something to this bipolar II diagnosis. (Bipolar II, in a nutshell, is being happy but depressed at the same time, hypomanic mood swings)

After a long while of trying to calm down, I did go to sleep and prepared for the next day.

Part 2 coming up...

Last nights dream:

It starts off with me in my living room and I am mercilessly beating the living crap out of my brother. It's unprovicated and he looks extremely hurt as I'm hurting him. The look on his face hurts me inside and out cos he didn't deserve what I'm doing to him, in this dream he is innocent but I just can't stop beating him, I'm so angry and hurt and I'm also getting angrier that he doesn't seem to know why I'm beating him. In my dream he is younger but has long bleached blonde hair. While he's wincing in pain, I get all his hair and I cut it all off, kind of adding insult to injury, even in this dream it is a horrible thing to do to someone. He's just laying there, in pain.

My dad walks in the room and my brother is gone. He asks me, "Did you take Jerry's hair?" and I can see blonde straight hairs on the carpet strewn about like when uncooked spaghettie noodles fall. The room was dimly lit but only in the area where the hair was and I stood on top of the hair in the dim area and said, "I don't see any hair..." being super conspicuous but my dad didn't seem to notice or show too much concern.

Later in the dream I was talking to Tako, I must have been sitting cos he seemed very very tall. He was wearing a really nice gray suite jacket with coattails over a button-down white shirt and a red sweater vest over it. His pants looked like tuxedo pants with a long silver pocket watch chain sliding down the right side, his hands were in his pockets. I can't remember anything we said.

Then I was in the prison Saul is at. I was waiting to see him and very excited to be with him, but when I looked down at my feet I noticed I was wearing sandles and I was freaking out because I didn't know if they would let me in with sandals like the ones I was wearing cos they resembled shower shoes. I knew I didn't have extra shoes with me and I was really upset with myself for not bringing an extra change of clothes cos then I was rethinking the skirt I was wearing.

Somehow I got to the point that I was with Saul, we were laying down in a comfortable bed and he was touching my face, I was being held in his left arm. We kissed and I could feel the graze of his stubble. He was still in his prison issued clothes.

When I woke up, I felt very perplexed at the strange things that happened in the dream. I can still feel that sense of mixed anger that I couldn't control toward my brother and trying to hide that part of me from my family. It's come out a few times and I'm afraid to let my anger out too much because they'll see me for what I really am and they may not understand me or feel they know me anymore. I felt that absolute guilt from crossing a line I never want to cross with anyone, knowing I couldn't take it back and I damaged our relationship for no good reason as he was not the same person who hurt me so badly in real life.

I was also wondering why I couldn't hear Tak talking at all, all I saw was him turing around as if he was being called or telling me something.

I was worried about messing things up for myself with the part of me visiting Saul, taht i'd somehow sabatoged my important visiting with him. I was angry with myself because of that. But there I was somehow with him, in his arms, knowing that he loved me.


I get to call tomorrow for an appointment to see him. <3

Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit...

I'm not finished yet

I'd been having repetitive sick/bad dreams for the past few days as I was coming down with something so there dreams were normal compared to that!

I had 2 dreams that I remember last night:

I was in a line in a waiting room for court. I was holding Le Tigre's place in line while his family got there. When they did get there, I waved to them but they didn't acknowledge me at all. I wanted them to come up with me cos I had their place in line! When I went to them, I recognized Le Tigre and his mother but there were two brothers and sisters I'd never seen before.

When I went to them when we sat down, I knew we were there cos of Le Tigre's friend Angie though in the dream they were together or married. In real life, she's a skinny Mexican girl but in the dream she was a chubby white girl with blue eyes and blonde hair. She had broken her left leg and was wearing a brace. She was talking to me about how it happened and how stupid she felt, I told her it wasn't her fault and how pretty she was.


In the second dream, I was at a con that was being held in an old western ghost town! All the con goers where dressed in brown/tan clothes. I saw my friend Bryan there, we were talking about how he was making cross stitches of scenes from yaoi dojinshi with Sierra and there he had a booth to attend to! I hugged him and let him go to the booth, he looked so happy that he was going to sell these things!

Suddenly I was at a Hot Topic store that was at the con where I bought a cheap plastic camera that had a pretty white and burgundy face plate on it. I didn't like it cos it wasn't a digital camera, but it was pretty. Then my old boss from Torrid was my manager at the Hot Topic and she gave me a really sharp looking silver digital camera as a bonus for all my hard work and I wanted to return the plastic camera very badly to get my money back cos it was expensive. (huh??)

Then I was walking to a meet or something on the wooden walkways of the ghost town con and I realized I wasn't wearing pants! And even though no one seemed to care or notice (cos other people where half-naked too?) I was totally self-conscious cos my bottoms were see-though. O_O So I went to change my shirt and for some reason that helped me feel better, though when I walked away I realized I still wasn't wearing pants but then I remembered changing my shirt gave me jean shorts for some reason and it made me super thin, wtf...it was weird!



I blame the no-pants wearing cos I was on LOL Celebs last night and pretty much half the pictures there make fun of Lady Gaga who is notorious for not wearing pants. The con thing mixed with the ghost town is cos I'm going to LosCon this weekend and ALA in January. I got a text from Le Tigre saying he was alright cos I hadn't heard from him in a while, the court thing is cos MPsy is going to court today. Dojin, well, I'm going to blame Cyrene for that cos I don't know where that came from! LOL I guess the super thin part is cos I've lost some weight (6 pounds since last month) and I don't know how that happened but if I lose just 5 more pounds I'll be under 200 again and that will make me VERY happy! (I'm comfortable mentioning my weight because I'd gained a lot of weight after high school and I was about 240, not happy and not healthy so I'm better now!)

Ask me to take pictures of any aspect of my life that you’re interested in or curious about. It can be anything from my favourite shirt to my cell phone. Leave your requests as a comment to this entry, and I’ll snap the pictures and post them as soon as I can.

You were warned... O.O


So that was my weekend, thank you for reading or skimming through this mess! I'm now prepping for ALA in January, more current LosCon and Thanksgiving (in one week! wow!) and REPO! this Friday! Totally excited! Hope to see more of you guys soon!!!

Come party it up the brains behind Repo! The Genetic Opera!
Host: ATTACK (Addicted to the Knife) ShadowCast.

Start Time: Friday, November 20, 2009 at 11:50pm
End Time: Saturday, November 21, 2009 at 2:50am
Location:
Regency Fairfax
Street: 7907 Beverly Blvd Los Angeles, CA
Tickets are $10 and the box office is CASH ONLY.

REPO! fans unite! SoCal Repo Army, stand up and TESTIFY!!!

Critics panned it. Some said it was the worst movie of the year. Its production parent wanted to sweep it under the carpet and deny its existence...

ONE YEAR LATER...
REPO! The Genetic Opera
IS STILL IN THEATRES!

How many 'blockbusters' from November 2008 can say that? How many 'critically acclaimed' films have the following that REPO! does?
Those who said, "It could be the next Rocky Horror," clearly had a better inkling!

ATTK - Addicted To The Knife - L.A.'s REPO! Shadowcast invites you to join us as we celebrate this milestone event for one of the most original films to come out of Hollywood in recent memory!

It's not RHPS; we wouldn't want it to be. It's not even truly horror, as pre-screening tests proved. It IS Grand Opera, ROCK opera, and NOT Your Parents' Opera!!!

If you already know and love REPO!, come join ATTK on November 20th, midnight at the Regency Fairfax theatre. Better yet, bring someone who's never seen it before with you!!

Oh, and arrive a little early, because we will have Special Guests and surprises galore! Costumes, call-backs, and singing along are all ENCOURAGED!

Last weekend I went to Chrononaut in San Diego with Pockets & MPsy. I'd been working all week diligently to make it to the deadline so I can sell some hair clips, necklaces, and earrings. A lot of people were sick and could not come unfortunately but we did talk to some of our lovely friends there including the Steampunk Iron Man. We also heard a live band called Demonika and the Darklings. Coming home MPsy was kind of toying around with the idea of going to PMX but it would have been too late to do anything, really.




At Chrononaut held at Queen Bee's in San Diego



MPsy had a gypsy salesman thing going on that night



Dance for us, oh bearded one!



This picture was not from this time at Chrononaut but these are the Steampunk Ironmen and the lovely door gal from Chrononaut. This picture was taken by our lovely steamy photog, Jerry A. Check out his work: http://jerryabuan.zenfolio.com/



The next day was such a bad day. *big breath in* I woke up late, the wig I'd dyed was falling apart, the two back buckles of my garters that held on my stockings snapped off almost at the same time, I kept dropping almost everything that was in my hands, the contacts I had in my eyes (yellow cat-eyes that were perfect for the snake eyes I needed) kept moving around, I was terribly uncomfortable, I realized when I got there I didn't have my gauges in so my stretched out earring holes were already shrinking, when I got to the hotel I passed it up twice and I had to drive about 45 minutes through a LABYRINTH of parking structure levels and when I finally did find a parking spot I locked my keys in my car and I had HORRIBLE reception trying to call AAA to unlock my car. *sigh*

I got up to the lobby and happened to run into Cyrene thisiscyrene, Keil combichristian, Tako ronin_tak, and their two awesome gal friends (they know about Repo! and Dr. Horrible, how is that NOT awesome?) and they were in their Gajinka Pokemon stuff. I was on the verge of tears and not happy and I seriously wanted to go home but Tak was like NO. So I stayed and put my extra stuff their room. We walked around for a while, people took pictures, we frolicked in the gardens, it was much fun! Then we went back to the room and I changed from Ekans to steampunk and I was very much comfortable. It was then that I decided to do Arbok next time I do Pokemon.




I had to keep straightening my contacts out, I was cross-eyed for a while, it was funny



The whole PokePeople group! Ekans, Nidoran, Pinsir, Spearow, and Bulbasaur



Not sure what's happening but they seem happy!



Watch out!



Fly away!



Candid shots. You can see the pokemons in their natural state...



My Ekans aka I tried.



Tak was hiding behind a tree in the lobby


We talked, ate some rice & curry, played video games, lost Tako for an hour or two. I got a call from Saul out of the clear blue, he said he was feeling not well cos of a dream that he had that made him angry. We talked for a good long time, we were both not having the best of days but he told me he has a paying job now, not a great wage but it's something he can pay toward the restitution. He got my letters I sent him for our anniversary and said he was touched by them and that he put in so that he can get time off work to see me the next weekend. After that call I decided to go home because I'd become very overwhelmed emotionally. Everyone thought I was staying over but I couldn't cos I didn't have enough money to. I thanked everyone and left.

I texted Tako to see where he was so I could tell him goodbye, found him surprised that I was leaving as well but I had fun seeing everyone. Somehow between there and the car, I was sucessfully fighting back the biggest urge to cry and driving away I was wimpering trying not to cry and when I got to the gate I was failing to try to hide my crying and I realized I had to go back upstairs to pay for my parking. (which Cyrene gave me her half off validation cos she had two, THANK YOU!!!) The parking attendant was SOOooOoO nice to me, he gave me an extra slip I needed to pay for the parking, even went up in the elevator with me to the lobby and showed me how to use the machine to pay for the parking. He was a blessing, I guess he could see what kind of shape I was in? Almost all the way home (and yeah, I got lost despite having a GPS) I prayed and prayed and cried and cried. Came home, dropped everything, changed, put on a brave face for mom and dad, cried harder, slept.

The next two days after that were church, sleep, wake, cry, sleep, supress emotions, school, cry, sleep. It was also then I realized that my little kitty, Cheeseburger, was not coming back home. Last time I saw him was the night before Halloween. I'm still upset and I want my kitty back but what can I do. My emotional stability basically collapsed on itself and I was either in tears or inanimate. I put myself in a very bad place but I'm thankful to say I'm starting to turn a corner around back to normal, I can't quite say how or why I hit such a hard depression though. Thank you to the people who reached out to me, you're all great and I'm sorry I keep going through this.

This week has been EXTREMELY productive; I cleaned my room once again cos it was starting to look raggedy, took care of some paperwork and such I needed to finish, bought a ton of Hello Kitty things for very cheap, set up a day to get Fios installed in our house, finally finished Con Bingo (!!!), got a beautiful few letters form Saul including one for our aniversary and a letter from Tonzy of all people! I have a fun letter I'm going to send him back. And I saw Tonzy's bro, Danniel, the other night, we're going to hang soon hopefully.



This is Con Bingo, I've been working on making this since the beginning of this year. >.< It works just like regular Bingo: you check things off as you see them and the first one to get Bingo wins! What they win is up to the group, I suppose. Click, Print it out and have fun at cons! I just realized a few minutes ago that I put the Gawker square right next to the Trap square...haha!

And I am preparing for the Hello Kitty Bats & Cats Masquerade at Royal T tomorrow, The One Year Anniversary of Repo! shadowcast show next week, Thanksgiving and the day after the start of LosCon '09. I'm going to be busy but I need to pace myself so I don't get so overwhelmed again. Also, I did talk to my therapist and he said that he wouldn't fight my bipolar diagnosis (and seriously, after this past weekend I have no right to) but to find a regimen that works for me to stay well. I have my second opinion up in two weeks for the medication evaluation.

Some sad news today: my Dad's Mom (we call her Nana) fell down and broke her hip. She's going to be having surgery on it in a couple of hours. She's about 87 now, in failing health, can't see out of one eye, can't walk really at all anymore. I prayed for her and hopefully she'll be alright soon. Even though there's a language barrier (she speaks pure Spanish, teeny bit of English) I've tried to understand her by having people translate and I love her and I know she loves me. I asked my dad how she's doing, he laughed and told me that she's irritable and wants to get up and go home. That's how stubborn and determined she is. :)

So ends another week, starts another weekend, and so on and so forth. Hopefully I'll purge out what has me vexed right now, I want to be happy and enjoy myself but I have limitations right now of what I can take on. But I will still be happy to go out and enjoy myself with anyone who will have my company!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I got Hello Kitty some pretty pink lipstick!" "But Hello Kitty has no mouth." "O.O..."

I don't know quite what it is, but the medication simply isn't working. I feel more and more depressed each week. I feel hopeless and ignored, dismissed and invisible. I immerse myself in things that seem so big to handle to find out later I worked myself up into a wreck for nothing. I get heartbroken over the littlest things that seem huge in my eyes and my refreshing sense of patience has been slowly reaching a breaking point. Things I used to look forward to I cringe at, thus I procrastinate severely. I've not been managing my finances as well as I should, though by next month I'll be on target again. People who bring me happiness don't seem to want to deal with me anymore at this point. (And I do not blame them) I get emotionally worked up over things I cannot even comprehend. Everyone seems so foreign and sterile to me. I have fun going out still, I have a blast meeting new people, I like going out on adventures and trying out new things and seeing out of the ordinary sights. Almost always at the end of the day, though, I'm in tears, my mind racing a mile and minute, feeling taken advantage of and the last to know of important things. I've been forgetful, clumsy, accident-prone more so than usual, flustered, angry, confused and disoriented. I misunderstand things I shouldn't and I read more into things I mustn't. I have become way too empathetic about the wrong things. At the same time I've become VERY apathetic to the right things that used to hurt me to my very core. Most of that has stuck but sometimes there's a fracture in my strength and all that I had leaves me.

I'd been doing well to hold it all together but the bindings are breaking, my stregnth is shrinking. I owe this all to the fact that I let things under my skin that I shouldn't have, that hadn't bothered me in a long time. I'm in that place again where I'm a horror to myself and I don't like where I put myself, especially this past weekend, it seemed like no matter what I did I fell short and I let someone down or someone let me down when I should know better than to rely on people. I've been praying a lot and it's helped me tremendously to overcome these feelings, these events, these episodes if you will but it's not enough. Bottom line is I've failed and I've been failing. People ask me why I push myself so hard and it's because when I cut myself some slack I don't know when to stop. That's why I'm always pushing to be more than what I am, more than what I was, what I could be. I've done it before, I was much weaker than this, much more pathetic than this not so long ago. Maybe something is trying to be reclaimed in my head but I cannot let that happen. I need to push harder to become stronger and stay stronger.

This weekend was my breaking point and since Sunday all I've been doing was having horrible sleep because I have this overwhelming guilt inside of me that I'd done something horrible, that I was doing something horrible, that I'd let so many people down and that I'd taken up too many resources for it all to fail in the end. That all the work I did for something or someone was for nothing because it wasn't appreciated or I didn't honor someone enough to let them have their way. This has come out of nowhere which is how I know this is my severe depression creeping up again. I'm also extremely anxious about my brother's upcoming court day as it may be his release day. I cannot fathom this, I cannot accept that. I have nightmares about him coming back to live with us, I wake up in anxiety. This I cannot do anything about but I do not know how I would accept this if it were to come to it. I'm not sure what I should be doing right now except picking up the mess I've made and trying to shine something new in the empty space I made. Not sure how to do that except for a little bit at a time. I've still managed to help those who've come to me for it and I'm very glad but it hurts that I feel like I'm so exposed and I cannot say anything about what I'm feeling because I'm the one who helps people, I'm the one who's the strong one, I'm the one who makes things better. Who am I to say anything about the help I need? This will go away, I know it will go away and I hate revisiting this place over and over and over again, I can't help it no matter how hard I try so I'm just going to have to try harder.

So a week ago it was Halloween, haha, I am a procrastinator cos I've been making things for the steampunk dance. :p

My Halloween started a week early with the Repo! Shadowcast, it was a real blast! There was a costume contest, so I chose a costume I didn't think anyone would do: the mustache chauffeur!



I look very handsome, yes?



This is me with the guy who usually plays the mustache chauffeur, he was dressed as Mario! He liked my costume a lot!


(BTW, that mustache itched like the dickens!!!)
I had a lot of fun at the show, a lot of good costumes, and Jae with her friend Eddie joined me that night! It was their first show and I'm super glad they had fun!

The day before Halloween I got invited out to two things: a small shindig at a friend's house and out of nowhere Tako was like Let's go to Beer Station! :)



My Halloween costume was VERY vintage inspired, as you can see! I got the make-up down with the help of a fantastic guide to 1920's make-up!

(the guide in case you wanna check it out: http://return2style.de/swingstyle/makeup/20amimup.html )


My little ciggy tray! I got the vintage candy & bubble gum cigarettes online and spray painted a cardboard box for the tray, then added some flowers to it. I also had Pixy Sticks and M&Ms to the tray!



Cupid Bow lipstick *MUAH*!
I adore that headpiece!



the side-by-side cos some people didn't understand my costume fully without the tray :p


Except for the faux fur stole, I had everything already in my room! :) Teehee, the joys of being an anachronism!



Went to Dave's house, these fine lookin' gents were watching Shaun of the Dead! That's Aaron as the Burger King lol and Dave in a Mardi Gras/Marquis costume! His coat was amazing!



Miss Sasha looked lovely as a butterfly though she said the wings bothered her a lot!



Yay, Fina Kitty came with Ruby! Ruby wasn't in a picture mood, but she was adorable as a little Snow White! Smiles!



This was later on at Beer Station. Keil and Cyrene are in their usual costumes...a SMILE! hahah kidding



Tako was pretty well on his way drinking already when I got there :p



Sierra and Bryan came as well, the lovely Pirate and her lovable pet Panda!!! Totally adorable, his make-up was eye-popping!



Cyrene Wolverine! If her looks could kill, I'd be dead twice!



Happy, smiling bag is happY! Too many Pixy Sticks? ^.^


After the bar we went to Denny's and hung a while. THeir friend Dan was there, too, I'd met him for the first time. After everyone left, me and Tak talked a while in the parking lot, then I drove home. I accidentally drank some beer at the bar and the next morning I didn't wake up until 2pm and I was going through the motions of a hangover. -_- I'm on medication and I cannot have alcohol so yeah. My face was so puffy when I woke! oi! I was going to go to LA with MPsy to see a show but that wasn't going to happen, I was too out of it. It was okay though cos I stood home, relaxed, and decided to give away the last of the Pixy Sticks to kids.

Here I am in Manson-eyed contact lenses, short har, bloody face, bony shirt and nurse hat. I looked spooky, some kids didn't want to come up to the door! D'awe!



I call this the WTF Nurse costume! I have a closet full of things, I had a lot of fun putting this together!



Halloween was also the one year mark of Saul's arrest and his being away from me. I miss him very much, it'll be time for him to come home soon, though. Then he'll be here for Halloween next year! <3 I love him so much!

To a lovely Halloween, and more cool costumes!!!

He's here! He's Here! The Great Pumpkin is here! Oh, wait, no, that's just a fat kid in an orange t-shirt. Phooey.

Being up after little sleep, driving in the dark of 5am with blanketing fog for 10 miles with mominlaw and broinlaw in the car, finding out not being able to drive up hill faster than 40 mph in said fog, watching the world's colour turn on after a night of bright and plentiful stars

Getting to the prison in 3 hours knowing I'll have the same trek to make in 6 hours, getting into the check in right away, sitting to see him...seeing him...looking handsome as ever...he still catches my eye as if the first time I saw him that morning...

he is worth driving all night for, I get to touch him in return <3
I get to kiss him, I get to hold his hands, I'm allowed the priviledge of his face being close to mine

Talking with him and his family, holding his hand feeling closer to him than I have been, watching that smile and hearing that laugh...looking at those eyes and feeling his stare looking through me like no one else has been able to do, those big brown eyes of his, that scent he gives off, how he kisses, how his hugs feel

Him looking at me in the eyes, whispering how I look as beautiful as the day he first set eyes on me (I hope I look a little better...hehe...), telling me I'm beautiful, telling him he's handsome as ever, reminded of things he hates, getting past the anger, telling me things I'd forgotten, about dressing up and coming inside our comfort zones with ease, nights spent together in the dark and silence of the cover of unusual shelter, him knowing the slightest little details about our short time spent together, the same as I do <3

Him telling me, "I love you, Mercades Victoria Amador", me telling him, "I love you, Saul Amador..." His eyes meeting mine and locking, his voice asking me, "Will you marry me?" out of nowhere and from the heart. My "Of course I will" reply as my face turns red. His bittersweet "I can't even propose to you properly because I'm in here" statement, my answer still the same. It was a sweet sudden heartfelt question that I gave my shocked-but-swift-to-answer reply <3

Playing chess and having him win! Playing Chutes and Ladders with him, his brother, and myself. Such a primary game, so fun at the same time. His whispers in my ear, my smiles and coy looks back. I miss him, he misses me. I love him, he loves me. I still don't know how he chose me...how was I the one he knew he wanted to be with since our first so to speak date? Why did he wait for me for so long no matter how much time past, how did he have this want to be with me after so many months...I guess he just knew, he just knew he had to be with me. And I knew when I opened my eyes I had to be with him, too. He's terribly attractive, handsome and charming, a bit geeky and silly at times but it all makes him out to be the one I fell for, the one I love, the he who I've been waiting for and will wait for, the man who is everything that I wanted the man in my life to be.

He always surprises me, overwhelms me, with his love, devotion, and care. He gets me and remembers things about us, little tiny things that some may brush off, but he holds these things so close to his heart that how could he forget? I never knew someone could be this way and want to be this way, just for me, knowing I don't have to second-guess his intentions or his loyalty. His plans, his goals, his want for my own plans and goals to grow, he's amazing.

I'm honored to be the one he chose to be with, that he chose me to want to care for his heart. I feel privileged to be the keeper of his love and heart. I am a good woman and a stronger person for knowing him, for myself, for ourselves. I feel undeserving at times, but then he feels the same way about me. We share so many similarities to relate to, so many differences to learn to see points of view from, so many things make us one and I'm so blessed to know that his thoughts are of seeing me again, being together again, calling my room his Favourite Room, I don't know what to say.

I love him, I don't want to be without him. I will not leave him, how could I? It would be as if I could tear out a chamber of my heart. My goals, my plans, my thoughts and prayers-his goals, his plans, his thoughts and prayers...we're together no matter what or where we are. I'm so happy he fought so hard for me, so joyous a good man with so much love to give gives his love to me. We'll have time to pass, we'll have trips to make, we'll have things to settle.

No matter what trek needs to be made, how many hours of waiting, or how much money it costs to do these things, he has me and he knows I do for him what he does for me, even in the little doses he can only do where he is falsely imprisoned.

Everything.

I really wish I could make these trips regularly, I miss him as soon as we're gone from each other's sight. I want to hold him and talk to him as I used to, but that will be our reward once this all fades away. My love is imprisoned but he'll be set free some day and I'll be there for him. I love him and his love is overwhelming.

Come one, come all! The monthly Repo! the Genetic Opera is
THIS FRIDAY!!!
(it's usually the last Friday of the month but they didn't want to compete with the other events that weekend)

This month is a special COSTUME CONTEST!!! Come dressed up in your costume or as your favourite Repo! character! I'm going Repo...but I won't say who!

Friday, the 23rd of October!
Show starts at MIDNIGHT!
(Friday night going into Saturday morning)
Regency's Fairfaix Cinema! (also known at the Fairfax Theatre)
7907 Beverly Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90048 (323) 655-4010
Tickets are $10

You will want to get in line early, who knows what our beloved ATTacK cast members will do this spooktacular evening!

See you at the Opera!
xoxo,
Mercades

I had to wait 11 months, 2 weeks, 4 days and 2 hours to see my Sauli in person again without glass to see through or a phone to talk through...

My parents and I made our way to Avenal, CA at 6 in the morning. There's something wonderfully secretive and exciting about leaving so early in the morning that the world is still dark. My dad drove as my mom and I slept most of the way. I'd never been to the prison up there before and since Saul's mom couldn't come this week with me I figured this would be a good way to scout the area for when we come together. I prayed constantly throughout the day for God to protect our journey, thanking Him for making this journey possible and thanking Him for Saul in my life and for letting me change into a better woman for Him, for Saul, for myself. With God, everything is possible. Everything.

We got lost, naturally, and because both Google Maps and my GPS did not recognize were the address to the prison was. After getting directions we were on the right course and the trip took us about 3 and a half hours, in very thick morning fog to add to the drama. I felt so anxious and excited, I was so happy and couldn't believe this day had come! Everyone with an appointment lined up outside and waited for our names to be called so we could fill out a slip and be searched. The lady calling out the names also checked over our attire to make sure we were dressed appropriately, the guidelines are strict there. I went with the safe all-black attire and a sports bra cos I couldn't wear any metal anyway, not even the clasps. Mom said I looked pretty...and flat-chested. -_- They waited until I got in the building, then left to kill some time in the surrounding area. By the way, there is NOTHING to do in Avenal. NOTHING.

After I got checked in, searched, and passed through a metal detector, we all waited in a big room for the vans to drop us off at the right yard to visit. I was in the van for the first two yards, but I accidentally went to the wrong building at first! I found my way to the right place and sat down to wait. A million things went through my head cos just two days before he sent me a letter that was quite sad as he was very disconnected and depressed. I was afraid that I may lose him to his despair.

We waited for a very long time, the women who came after me, at little tables with numbers on them. It was the longest 10 minutes in recent memory. Then I saw him, walking around for the first time in almost a year; no glass, no phones...he's very handsome. <3 And we hugged, and shared our first kiss in 11 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, and 2 hours. We were both very much in awe and happy about this moment, being able to sit next to one another and hold each others hands and talk about anything. He was not expecting me at all and had little time to shave, I had a few pieces of beard on my lip! haha!

I told him how I'd come back with his mom when she got paid, and he said that it was great that I still came. We talked about music and video games, dreams and stress, family things, then to how disconnected he'd been feeling, each others health, our hopes for the future. He looked in my eyes as we talked about the possibility of getting married in prison, God forbid something goes awry of his release date. I already made the decision as long as it's a Catholic ceremony I would, and he agreed. He even told me there are Catholic priests available for the ceremony at the prison and said we could have up to eight witnesses. That made me smile that he found that out for us! He also looked down at the ring I wear on my right ring finger and said, "You still wear this? I have to order my ring." The fact that he's actually talking to me about the future, what he'll be responsible for when he gets out and what he'll be entitled to, researching everything he can about his future and what he can do to help himself along the way so we will might have a stable one makes me know he's not just having idealizations about us, he's actually planning for it.

We wanted to take pictures but the token machine to take them was broken so we couldn't buy any. Maybe next time. I kept holding his hands so tight, neither of us could believe that we were here next to one another! I told him I wasn't sure what to expect from him cos he'd been so disconnected recently, and he said he was afraid he'd feel that way as well, but he wasn't. He was just tired and sick from his job in the prison. It was getting later in the day so we bought some food to share while we were there. There are many vending machines there to buy food so we shared a cheeseburger (and I called him a cannibal cos my nickname for him is Cheeseburger hehe) and continued talking about food and what he wants to eat when he gets out! We kept jumping from subject to subject, about how the CDs I ordered for him keep him saner, how prison politics work, how we started talking so long ago...when I made a comment on a 69 Eyes video he posted on his Myspace...seems like so long ago. He said it sucked that we didn't get a lot of time to spend together before he left, but I reassured him we'd have the rest of our lives to be with each other. I was having a great time being able to speak with him, to laugh and just hold onto one another. We both reveled in the little contact we did have and in the fact that we didn't have 3 feet between us anymore. I missed being able to see him smile, hear his laugh, the way he looks at me...his eyes are very expressive and deep. His hair got longer, it's about the same length it was when I met him. There was so much I missed about him and I got to have a little glimpse of him back for a little while.

When it was nearing the time to go, we couldn't believe we got to spend a whole 4 hours with one another! We'd only been allowed 1 hour at the most at times, sometimes as little as 20 minutes. When we were almost ordered to part, I told him when I was reading his letter that I was so afraid that I would lose him and he would leave me because he could not come back from where he was in his mind. I had held it in together the whole time but I caught myself trying not to cry when I said this to him. He told me not to cry, and he promised me I have his undying allegiance and that he would never let me go and I would never lose him, that he'll always come back for me. He looks in my eyes when he says these things and I love that about him, his eyes are very warm and sincere when he says these things. After our final hug and parting kiss, we had to part, visitors on one side, prisoners on the other. While we were both leaving, we kept catching one another's glances and smiled and waved at one another. And then he was gone.

Another bus ride back to the building where the search was was made all the quicker by the officer driving us saying we had to leave quickly because there was a major code being called in, meaning something had gone down in the prison. We all left and when I got out my parents were waiting for me. We stopped at a Wendy's for a little while to eat and talk. I told my parents that the visit went really well, about our plans for the future. Dad asked what Saul planned on doing for a living after he got out of prison, I explained to him that he had a few different plans just in case one or the other didn't work out. Dad said, "So he's a smart guy?" I said, "Yes, of course." He said, "Good, I don't want you marrying a dummy." That made me feel good, my dad's blessings are hard to come by because he wants good things for me. Mom cringed at the idea of me getting married in a prison because she knows that's not what I want but knows what I'm willing to do in a pressed situation. She joked about how she and my dad got married in a court and how a prison marriage would outdo that!

After driving a bit and going to a scary pit stop to let dad wake up a bit and stretch out, we were on our way back home. My dad was a truck driver but since his injury hasn't made any trips past East L.A. so while he was determined to help me out and make this trip, he was struggling. I volunteered to drive, as did my mom, but he said hearing that was enough to wake him up! It was dark and star-filled sky when we left and the road was just frightfully rocky and curvy, made all the more frightening with reckless drivers and 2 lane highways! Eventually, the road straightened out and we were back in familiar woods.

For as long as Saul has been away, I have always felt like there was a huge slot missing in my life. Even with that slot, though, a lot of light shines through it and gives me hope for the future. Today, for a little while, that missing slot wasn't that noticeable. I had my Saul and he had me for a little while. He was mine since the first night we officially hung out to get to know each other, before I even knew it. I was his since the day I woke up on my 23rd birthday and I knew I didn't want anyone else to be there that morning but him because he wanted to be with me just as badly. Since October 28th, 2008, we knew we wanted to be together. Since October 31st, we've been apart. And even since before the day (but most so the day) he boldly proclaimed that I would be his wife someday, I knew he wouldn't ever let me go and would fight everything wrong to be with me and that he was the man for me to be with all my life and call my husband.

It took us 11 months, 2 weeks, 4 days and 2 hours to get from his last kiss to me to our first kiss this year. To think in such a short time we still go through hell and back with our own personal struggles and obstacles but we both have one another no matter what and that makes us want to fight so badly. This day was so special to me and I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful visit with the person I love so dearly.

11 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 2 hours, so much has happened, so little time for so much to happen, but enough time to make something so unbelievably amazing.

After going to mass on Sunday, Mr. Matty and I ventured forth onto Disneyland to take in the Halloween decorations and festivities there! On the way, I picked up a Red Bull and found a shop that still sells contraband ciggies! Shhh...:X hehe!



Mickey pumpkin!



BIG Mickey Pumpkin!



little pumpkins strewn about Main Street!


It was packed, very packed! So much so we decided to bypass Calfornia Adventure to get into Disneyland lest we come too late and not be admitted in! The weather was thankfully cool! We road a few rides before waiting in line for the Haunted Mansion, which was a 75 minute wait! The reason for that being the Nightmare Before Christmas theme was being displayed! I was very excited for this!!! We ate some cookies and cream fudge (sugar coma, anyone?) after getting off the Winnie the Pooh ride, the sweet shop next to it is just dripping with sugar! And wherever we went there seemed to be a character doing autographs and pictures! There was quite a line for Sally & Jack!



Jack Skeleton has landed!



Jack Skeleton as Sandy Claws! Note the pumpkin snowman!



d'awe! Minnie and Mickey candied apples!



Don't we all love Pooh? XD


We visited Toon Town to go on Roger Rabbit's Cartoon Spin. Apparently there were technical difficulties with the ride so there was an announcement followed by a choice of either staying in line or exiting the line. A LOT of people exited the line and bumped us up closer to our turn! It'd been a very long time since I was on that ride, so much fun! I also took a funny picture next to the chicken crosswalk near that ride! ^.^



Tee-hee, I'm a big kid at heart! <3


When it was getting darker, and after riding Peter Pan, we got in line for the Haunted Mansion. When it got to sunset, all the exterior lights went on and the jack-o-lanterns lit up! It was really pretty!



Jack's all decked out!



I don't know why but I really liked this jack-o-lantern snowman!



Scarecrow made more festive with a Sandy Claws hat!



The hands of the clock turned into each other!



nice day for a white hearse!



These pumpkins sprawled up on the hill where the Mansion stood!



It was also getting colder so I put on one of the 3 sweaters I brought and put on my cat beanie that I got from the Anime LA convention two years ago! Definitely came into good use!



Meow?



Meowchi!


!!!!---->Here be Haunted Mansion-Nightmare Before Christmas style spoilers!!!Don't read on if you want to see for yourself what it's like!!! I couldn't get really great pictures with my camera anyhow, but you've been warned!!!<----!!!!

The inside of the Haunted Mansion was just plain awesome! Everything had a Nightmare Before Christmas theme to it! The elevator, the portraits on the wall



Santa's sleigh...



...into Jack's sleigh



Snowman...



...into Jack-O-Lantern Man



Sandy Jack...



...into Jack Skeleton



Smiling Sally...



...to Worried Sally


the existing characters, everything!







I especially liked Zero floating down the hallway, the snake eating the list and the hill of jack-o-lanterns!



The snake! He's eating the list!!!!



This jack-o-lantern hill was really impressive!



all the tiny little glowing eyes looking at you as you descend down the hill!



close-up of the bottom of the hill!


What scared/creeped me out was the freakin' angles with jack-o-lantern heads, they were really freaky!!!! DX





You don't know the true horror of these things, they're practically touching the ceiling, super tall, with overextended poses!


I liked the Oogie Boogie Man near the end of the ride, too! Bright colours make me happy! :p



---->END SPOILERS<----

After that fun ride, it was pretty dark. We decided to go on Pirates of the Caribbean before eating at The Plaza. I don't freak out that much on that ride anymore but I still get a little flutter when I'm in line! At the Plaza, we got our meals and while we were eating, who in the world out of the blue should call me but Tonzy!!!! =D He's been away for 2 months and I didn't hear a word from him since, even after I sent him a letter, and he goes out of his way to call me from South Carolina! He says he'd doing well and that his team knows all about me, that's so sweet! He prays for me and I for him, he told me some nutshell details about where he is and how he wrote to me but didn't have a stamp to mail the letter! It's my fault, really, I should have given him a self-addressed stamped envelope! I asked him if there was anything I could pray for him about, and asked him to pray for my brother and Saul. I miss Tonzy so much, he's my bestestest friend and has been for 16 years! I love the guy!!! I was super happy recieving his phone call and it was a great addition to my fun-filled night!

After we ate, the fireworks came on. They were Nightmare Before Christmas themed as well and they rocked! They had a person on a tether dressed up as Zero floating around the castle while a big "moon" projected different scenes from Nightmare Before Christmas and other Disney movies! It was a terrific show! I got lost from Matty after the fireworks, it was really funny! We made our way to the Fantasmic! show where we heard a woman say, "This is communism!" about the crowd controlled lines at Disneyland, LMAO! The show was just as awesome as the first time I saw it! I caught a lot more this time since I knew what to watch for!




You can't really see it but Steampunkboat Willy is steering the ship!



Matty and I, chilling at the Plaza!


After all that, we went to Tomorrowland, road Star Tours with almost no lines, and then went to Alice in Wonderland, Pinocchio, and Snow White! There was hardly any crowd anymore and we reveled in it!



with Casey in mind: back view of the castle coming from Fantasyland



The front view of the castle going into Fantasyland!


I also took pictures of the jack-o-lanterns featuring different Disney characters around the statue of Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse.




Winnie Pooh!



Jack Skeleton!



The view from the statues down Main Street



BIG Mickey Jack-O-Lantern all lit up!



Pluto and Mickey on top of the entrance to Disneyland



a lit-up tree on our way to the tram



When I got in the car, like always, I was ready for sleep. I put on two of my three jackets and wore the third jacket like a skirt to keep my legs warm! I knocked out on the drive home and when I got home. It was a great night and I was a happy cat! Very happy cat! :D

I would have posted this sooner but got caught up in watching those Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin? vids >.<

Hope everyone will have a chance to see the magical Halloween things at Disneyland! :D

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Child meltdown count: 7!

Okay, so I came to a psychiatrist in August for help because I had a really horrible time adjusting to my fiance's wrongful imprisonment far away, my grandfather's death, and my brother who was being a complete jackass by disrespecting my parents and ran the house over with his stupid gangsta-gangsta friends.

I came in the office for an acute flare up in my depression/anxiety. My psychiatrist, let's call her Dr. Duh, right off the bat suggest medication. I'm open minded and have been on medication before when I was younger, so I'll give it another shot cos maybe this is what I need.

The medication makes me feel 10 times worse, I can't really function. I have even MORE mood swings, sleep too long in the day, hardly sleep at night, am irritable, etc. etc. and everyone says I'm very different on the meds. I decide that isn't the best path for me, especially since I had 2 major panic attacks while still on the medication.

So at my appointment today, I bring up the two meds I'm on. Dr. Duh says, "Hold on! I'm only dealing with one medication at a time!" O.O Okay...so I wait. Right away she asks me if I need more of a dosage on the pills. I say no, obviously, cos I'm trying to get off them. She complains that I'm on the lowest dose possible and people are usually on a much higher does. I told her about taking only half the dose of the second pill as instructed by her nurse (cos I was sleeping way too much on a full dose), she interupts me while I speak, again, saying matter-of-factly that I don't need the whole dose, that if I can sleep on half a dose, it's fine. Well, how the hell was I supposed to know this when I thought it wasn't good enough taking half a dose?

She sets up all my medication and gives me an as-needed prescription for anxiety. I asked her, "What are the possibilities of me getting off this medication?" She looks at me like I'm stupid and says, "Do you want to stay well?" and I said, "Yes..." and she said, "Then you have to take your medication every day. People with high blood pressure don't stop taking their medication when they get well, their blood pressure will get out of control. People with bipolar disorder need to stay on their meds." I have NEVER, ONCE IN MY LIFE, EVER been told I had bi-polar disorder or have ever been treated for a bipolar disorder. I have been diagnosed with depression, a schizophrenic disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder. Bipolar condition, by nature, is when a person is depressed who also exhibits major mood swings at the drop of a hat. (My brother is a prime example of this) A person could be sweet and lovely one minute, angry and swearing another, crying and throwing things another, completely happy and overjoyed the next, and so on. (not the best link but for a quick reference: https://www.google.com/health/ref/Bipolar+disorder) The racing thoughts, suicidal idealization and such are also part of this disorder, and things I possess at times, but they do not come out of thin air.I brought up never having been a bi-polar patient or been diagnosed with this disorder. Dr. Duh looks at me like I'm incredibly stupid and says, "Well, you have mood swings, that means you're bi-polar."

Excuse me? Are you serious??? Up until 2 months ago, I was NOT considered bi-polar and I never saw it on my record of things I was being treated for. She didn't even tell me at the time of my medication plan that I was being treated for a completely new diagnosis she just pulled out of a hat by looking at me. How can someone say, in just one visit, that I have become bi-polar cos I was having a bit of a meltdown? My grandfather passed away! My fiance is in a far-away prison through no fault of his own! My brother was crippling our family with his utter stupidity and recklessness! I wasn't completely sure about my unemployment benefits and still haven't found a job! Yeah, I'm going to be moody about that! How can someone definitively say I'm bi-polar cos those things all happened at the same time and I was having difficulty handling these things all at once?!

I explained to her how I thought I was being treated for an acute flare up in my already existing conditions, Dr. Duh said cos I keep having mood swings and racing thoughts that I am bipolar. To diagnose someone with bipolar disorder is very difficult and, I know for a fact, is NOT diagnosed with a 10 minute sit-down appointment. She gives me some prescriptions to pick up, including one for anxiety that I can pop as-needed when I'm having an anxiety attack. When I ask her about how I already picked up the first two prescriptions, she says very curtly that I have 5 so pick them up whenever. Jeeze!

As I left the office, I wanted to cry cos I was so freakin' angry. I made a follow-up appointment and I asked the clerk if I could see a different psychiatrist. She said yes but Dr. Duh would have to approve it. I said never mind but I suppose the clerk could see how upset I was so she insisted that it was my right if I wanted to see someone else and usually it's approved, so I gave the go-ahead for them to contact me when another psychiatrist was available to see me for my second opinion.

I got in my car and I told my mom what happened, she laughed at the idea of me being bipolar. She could hear that I was close to tears and angry. When I got home, I explained what happened to my dad. He asked me, "Is this the same doctor Jerry had?" (my little bro) I told him yes cos she is, he said, "That doctor needs to be of medication herself!" When my bro was a minor, my dad had gone to some of my bro's appointments and neither of them liked Dr. Duh for their own reasons. I'd never had this kind of experience with Dr. Duh so I was shocked. There's a first time for everything I suppose.

In between the time I left the appointment and the time I got home, I had to ask myself, am I bipolar? I don't fit the textbook signs but could I be? Do I need to increase my dosage? Then I kept thinking, no, Dr. Duh is a mainly pediatric psychiatrist, I just kept her as mine through adulthood because she knew my history. It's difficult to pin bipolar disorder on an adult, much less a minor because minors aren't fully developed in their personalities and such so their behavior could not be the fault of a bipolar disorder. It's incredulous and outrageous that this doctor could find such a very serious disorder in me in just one glimpse, impossible I'll say. This is not going to be let go of easily, I am going to get my second opinion and I will see this through to see if this is just what this doctor does or if other medical professionals see this in me, too. Either way, I am done with wanting to take these pills, I am still very upset with being labeled as something so serious without ever being told before. It's reckless on the doctor's part and just plain rude and unprofessional how she treated me.

I will have to continue to take my medication as prescribed until my second opinion because I don't want to mess with the chemicals already put into my body being stopped abruptly, I know better than to do that. I will have to use the step-down method of taking smaller and smaller doses eventually. I'm on some particularly dangerious meds to step up from so I can imagine it's the same if I step down. Sorry if this is all just jibber jabber and I'm wailing on about something dumb but this is something that has got me riled up in a bad way and I can't just let this go. What happened today was wrong on oh-so many levels, it's not even laughable. I'm waiting for my second opinion and ready to get off these pills. I'll do much better on my own.

The only good part about that appointment? Finding out my fasting lab tests concluded that, save from a triglyceride level being a bit high, I'm overall on good levels with my chloresteral, HDL, etc. so that's pretty awesome! I still have a lot of work to do in taking better care of myself but it's a relief to know that I'm alright in that respect.

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a pill to make you numb...a pill to make you dumb...

(Don't worry, the next post will be MUCH cheerier, I assure you X_X)

Here are the pictures taken at the Pyrate Daze '09 Masquerade Ball (Which I affectionately call our Steam Punk Prom Photos! ^.^) The good people at Schneider Studios set this up for us!

Credit: schneiderstudios.com / myspace.com/schneiderstudios

Shameless self promotion: Check out our Southern California Steampunk Social Institution!

myspace.com/manticore Coming very soon to Face Book!









If anyone in the above photos would like a copy of the picture disk, please send me a message through Face Book or Myspace with your mailing address.

See you at the next Steam Thing!

xoxo, mErci